


If I Had You

by Frazi



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-18
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-21 09:36:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4823993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frazi/pseuds/Frazi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even a renegade must stumble. They must fall. They must wonder. Shepard survives the reapers and finds that a renegade can also feel so much more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Who Stays Behind

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Mass Effect Fanfiction. I always wondered what would happen once they found Shepard and I always wondered if Kaiden was the right choice even though I made it the first time. But I know once I had Garrus, I couldn't pick anyone else for my Shepard. Enjoy!

Things end.

Everything was supposed to be worth it. In the end.

But the world now tastes like ashes. The planets are stranded alone. The galaxy at a halt. The peoples of the universe paused. Breath held, they all wait – what now?

XXXX

I wait for the doctor to start speaking. My lip was constantly being chipped away until I knew my teeth would draw blood. He had to speak before that. I had tasted too much of my blood already.

"It's permanent; I'm sorry."

The gust of air bursting from lungs wasn't my own. I finally tasted the metal tang of my flesh giving way under my teeth and it was over. The anticipation, the fear, the regret. It was all gone. Taking a deep breath, I turned to glance at the man who was breaking bones that had barely had time to repair. "You can let go now."

Dark chocolate colored eyes widened before my aching hand was released and he let out another shuddering breath. "Sorry."

Seems like that is all they were saying to me these days. Rubbing the sore muscles in my hand, I looked down at the contrast. So many people take limbs for granted. I had already lost a lot to spare parts. But no one prepares you for losing a limb. No one prepared me. But like all veterans, they apologetic reverence they offer you, is not a replacement. It just means you're done.

Sarah Shepard, the Butcher of Torfan, Savior of the Citadel and Vanquisher of the Reapers is done.

The doctors leave, Kaiden leaves, but the ghost movement stays. There's little left of my right side; arm gone from the bicep down, leg gone from the hip down. A great big chunk of my ribs had to be augmented with metal. I think there's a kidney missing there too. I can't tell, I forget sometimes.

Most of all, it means the soldier is gone.

It makes me wonder if I was ever anything else. It makes me wonder if the saved world would be enough. Would half of me, be enough?

"Shepard?"

Head snapping up, I saw the blue form of my closest friends smile tremulously from the doorway to my room. They had finally made it back. In the months that bordered a year, my crew had finally made it back to me. I scoffed inwardly as Liara steped into the little hospital room. The Alliance crew had found me underneath rubble that had tried to snuff me out, but thanks to my Cerberus implants, it had failed. Almost. A tiny, fatalistic part of me, wished it hadn't.

"Kaiden is gone?"

I sighed and snuggled lower into my pillow. "I'm trying to be sad about that."

The Asari now turned Shadow Broker laughed and took the seat my boyfriend had abandoned. Abandoned – that was the worst way to say it, I realized. "He really is trying to be supportive. But they're shipping him out in a week. He hoped you'd be able to go with him. Two Spectors out to save the galaxy, hand in hand."

Quirking an eyebrow and one corner of my mouth, I teased my friend. "Been watching those soap operas on TV again T'Soni?"

The Asari blushed a pretty violet. "Guilty as charged. Being on earth, there is little in the way of live television what with the restoration effort taking everyone's time. Reruns are our only entertainment I'm afraid."

I wanted to ask. Everyone else had left. Why was she still here? They'd all hugged me and kissed me and promised to write, but worlds had to be rebuilt. Lives had to be given purpose. There was so much damage. Thessia had suffered just as much, so why was the most prominent Asari member of their race still lurking around my hospital bed in London?

We were silent for a moment, just watching the other and wondering when to spring each of our questions. She finally slumped and let out a deep sigh. "Just ask Shepard."

"Why are you still here?"

Looking a tad appalled and more hurt, Liara sat up straight and took my remaining hand gently. "I would never abandon you." She must have seen the muscle in my jaw tighten before she gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. "No one has."

"I'm useless to you now."

"How dare you." Mouth dropping open, her eyes flashed with fierce reprimand as her voice pitched low with fury. "You have saved all our asses so many times over Shepard that even the Shadow Broker can't keep track! Do you really think us so ungrateful after you are done saving us all, yet again?!"

I frowned. "I didn't mean it as an insult."

"Then you had better take it back!"

Rolling my eyes at the incensed demand, I squeezed her hand. "Relax Blue. I'm just cathartic."

"Well, I wish you would perform catharsis a bit more positively," Liara grumbled, a tad assuaged. "And do not call me that idiotic name. What if I called you beige?"

"I'm honey glazed."

Her laughter lightened the room and we finally smiled at each other. She took a moment to speak but when she did, she sealed my fate with her words. "Shepard, I didn't abandon you when you were nothing but a charred bag of bones and I will never abandon you now that you finally have the chance to see all that you have accomplished. I didn't give your body to Cerberus so that you could save the world. I gave you to Cerberus so that you could live the fruits of your labor one day. With the people who love you." She reached out and touched my cheek bone with reverence. "And we all love you. We have not abandoned you."

My eye narrowed as I felt the unsaid darting excitedly in her eyes. "What have you done?"

The door swished open behind her and I watched my favorite Turian rakishly lean against my hospital door. "Are we done lamenting our tragedies? Because Miranda is spitting fiery projectiles at me for fun now."

Miranda was here too. I stared at Garrus Vakarian as he matched Liara's mirthful glint in his blue eyes. "What the hell have you done?"

...To be Continued…


	2. Chapter 2

The aversion to bio-beds was understandable. Knives and needles, that I wasn't wielding, still gave me night terrors. What they were suggesting, was nothing I'd considered before. What more could they take from me before I was no longer myself?

The wheelchair creaked and I felt the body shift beside me before my vision into the lab was obstructed by hard, greyish plates and blue eyes. "Stop self-flagellating already Shepard. You are doing this."

I frowned at him, more because I'd been caught in the act. Again. "What if I don't want to?" I spat belligerently.

It is a good thing my comrades are used to my caustic tongue and renegade nature. Anyone else would have been struck. Garrus is even better at taking my punches. He only smirked in that vigilante way that drove females wild right and left. I wondered why Tali hadn't followed through on her intent to bed the Turian. I also wondered why Garrus hadn't found his way back to his family.

Why the hell were they all still hanging around me? They had so much to do. Lives to live. Why couldn't they just let me go?

"Shepard," Garrus' tone implied I was being childish. Uppity Turian bastard. "Do you really never want to be whole again?"

A deep ache that I'd been denying, suddenly took my breath from me. Eyes clouding with tears, I couldn't hold back the gasp that escaped from my throat. It turned everything I was inside out; that one question. Perceptive, uppity Turian bastard!

While I tried to rein in the first wave of loss after surviving the war with the Reapers, Garrus chuckled low under his breath and held my shoulders steady. The big rough thumbs gently rubbed against the exposed skin from my tank top. "Breathe Shepard. I learned to be perceptive when I realized you would die before showing any weakness."

"What the hell does this look like to you Vakarian?"

"Panic attack?"

I growled low under my breath and he finally drew forward and wrapped me into a hug I had never been prepared for. In all the times I'd experienced doubt, I had done so in the presence of one man. Despite my constant need to protect myself, I had allowed the woman in me to trust the faith and security of Kaiden's arms. Saving him, leaving Ashley to die, listening to him call me a traitor and I had still trusted my heart when he'd come back to me. Shown my weakness.

I realized now that I had been a fool. All through my mission I had thought that Kaiden was my only solace. My only weakness. I realized now that the perceptive Turian and the pushy Asari were just two of my reasons to keep going. The panic that had welled up at the mention of the man who would eventually have no time or patience for a broken woman was ebbing. It soaked through my remaining flesh and into the hard but oddly comforting press of Garrus' body. Unable to hold the line. Unable to keep the distance and completely lost for words of gratitude, I sank into him and let him hold me.

His breath whispered against my ear and a shudder began to build in my bones that I would never be able to contain. "Let go Shepard," he murmured and like a dam breaking, it burst through me with a vengeance. The choices I had to make. The bodies I left behind, both human and synthetic. The family I had lost. The songs of the scientist, the flash and crackle of perfect memories, the machine logic of love and loyalty, the screaming unjustness of reality itself was a burden I'd carried since the moment I'd touched the beacon.

It started as a sob and then rose up into a fever pitch of wailing pain that rang through the reclaimed labs of the Cronos station. Miranda and Liara watched helplessly from the other side of the lab window and Garrus slowly rocked me while I clung to him.

XXXXX

Miranda's back was as picturesque as her front. There were a million questions to ask and yet I couldn't pull them past my ribcage, or what was left of it. Feeling my eyes on her, she finally turned, her beautifully engineered self, frowning. "Are you going to resist?"

"Will you put a chip in my head now?"

Some of the fear left her eyes and she propped her fists on her hips. "I have half a mind to; if only to keep an eye on you."

"Won't do any good," I smirked and lay my head back on the bio-bed, eyes slipping shut. I felt her move closer to me, but I kept my eyes closed. I needed to. I couldn't look at her.

She sighed. "Aren't you going to ask me anything?"

Nope.

She sighed louder when I didn't respond. "Well I'll tell you anyway. For the year you were in recuperation and a verdict could not be reached, we have been gathering resources and intel."

"We."

I could feel her smile when I couldn't help interject.

"You've already met the good doctor and our resident vigilante." I cracked on eye open when she paused and scowled at her. She was toying with me. Wench. With a muffled chuckle and a twinkle of her eyes, she continued. "You have a lot of friends Shepard, even if it's much cooler to you if you don't. At first, many of them were too far away to really help me and Liara. Garrus reached us by some small feat, after he managed to track down his family in Palaven. Faron has been managing the Shadow Broker's network remotely from here since they don't have a base of operations at the moment. With many of the mass relays still inoperative, we've had to travel the old fashioned way; which means it takes nearly forever to get supplies here."

"Garrus' family…"

"Are safe."

"Thessia?"

Miranda shook her head. "All our planets have suffered. We are in this together now thanks to you. You gave us a chance Shepard. We owe our future to you." There was a question on my lips and Miranda touched my arm. "Who are you waiting to hear from?"

It was him. Always him. "Kaiden left for the Alliance fleet."

The wince was near imperceptible. "He is a Spector," Miranda soothed then grunted softly. "Bloody coward."

I frowned at her, not quite ready to accept the fact that he was really gone. "That's harsh."

"To think he couldn't have waited a little longer!"

"You told him?"

Gritting her teeth, Miranda seemed to gain control of her anger and met my eyes with absolute candor. "He knew. Are you ready to hear what we're about to do?"

"Gimme legs?" It was good to see my usual sarcasm hadn't been in the right side of my body.

"Well, yes." Miranda smiled. "That's a given really. But augmenting your skeletal system is the easy part. Offering compatible sensory feedback to your cyber-grafts is something else entirely."

"English please," I teased, with a roll of my eyes. "You've already built me out of a bag from what Liara told me."

"Not true. Your body had been nearly carbonized through the atmosphere before we recovered you, but your basic body structure was still intact. We healed, bound and augmented a lot of what was already there. Reconstructing an entire limb and internal organs are a challenge."

"Salivating, are you?"

"Do shut up." The Cerberus scientist laughed and went back to her readings. "I think it's best you just let me do my job."

"Am I going to be able to pay you back?"

Miranda Lawson looked over her shoulder, her reverence for my heroic deeds as clear as her words. "You already have Shepard. Now just relax and count to 10."

"Wait," I felt the world swim around me. "He knew and he…left…anyway. Wait Miranda, why did he still…why…oooh ponies."

**To be continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the Kudos. Drop me a note and tell me what you think as well. It'll help me write more! :D


	3. Chapter 3

I heard voices as I came too.

Wake…wake up! Shepard you…move…under attack…

Everything swam around me as I felt the familiar, slow tingling of awareness as my limbs came online.

Not…healed…move.

And I then I was awake.

Feet swinging down, I moaned with pain as the silicon stitches pulled at my insides and I was on my feet.

"Shepard!" Big taloned hands wrapped around my arms as I swam in and out of the anesthesia.

"Weapon's locker."

"What?"

"Oh god, she thinks she back at the Cerberus facility. Shepard relax. You're safe!"

I heard Miranda's voice and I pulled harder against the careful hands as they maneuvered me back towards the bed. The light was too bright, my brain was screaming as I stumbled on legs I couldn't feel. Crying out at the excruciating pain that suffused through every pore in my body, I fell back against something hard as multiple hands held me down and I saw the flare of surgical lighting. Panic and fear playing a crescendo in my very being, I struggled with what little control I could muster.

"Shepard, snap out of it!"

"By the goddess! Is she in pain?"

"No, she can't be. I've barely connected the sensory receptors."

"That sure as hell sounds like pain Lawson!"

"Garrus, please! This is more psychological than physical, just hold her."

As I screamed in the hard restrains, two rough hands firmly grasped my face and I saw him flicker into view as my eyes began to adjust. "Breathe Shepard. You're safe. You're home. This isn't the Lazarus Facility."

Shuddering and nerves still singing with pain, I gasped as I looked up into his familiar face, his mandibles quivering with tension as he held my gaze. "Garrus?"

"It's me Shepard. I'm right here."

Feeling the coiling pain and fear dissipate, I stared up into his eyes, lifting one hand to slide over his injured mandible. "You were not there."

He smiled the only way my Turian friend could. "Good girl. Which means neither are you. Take it easy Shepard. You're safe."

"I'm home?" I whispered as exhaustion finally washed over me.

"Promise." Garrus whispered against my forehead as I let my eyes slide shut, one hand still wrapped around his own.

I didn't doubt him for a second.

XXXX

"She looks dead."

"Thankfully, your opinion doesn't count!"

"If I wasn't grateful, bitch…"

I had awoken to the sound of Jack's lovely potty-mouth ribbing out Miranda. Thankfully, my groan of discomfort and awakening managed to distract them enough to rush to me. I remembered snatches of waking up before. My hand tightened into a fist and I wondered where he was. Coming in and out of lucidity I had never once lost the touch of his talons carefully gripping mine.

It was Miranda who told me they'd forced him to bed after watching over me for a thirty-seven hour stretch. I suddenly felt guilt and gratitude wash all over me as they sat me up and carefully helped me eat.

My questions were answered when I tried to lift the coffee mug with my right arm and lost control halfway up. Having new limbs was not enough. They had to be assimilated with therapy and training to reconnect along my natural pathways. To teach my brain to take control of the electrical impulses that came from my cybernetics and convert them to my natural biological feedback. At least that's what Miranda explained. What I heard was the reason Kaiden had looked so crushed.

It would be years before I was even fit for an Alliance desk-job what to talk of being a Spector.

We spoke as long distance lovers do. Afraid, cautious, grieving and I tried to be angry with him. The truth was, it was getting harder every day. Most days I didn't remember who Kaiden was. I only remember screaming and yelling curses at Miranda and Garrus and Liara.

I don't make a very good patient.

By the time was good enough to be moved, and the month it took us to get to a decent mass relay, I could stand without breaking into a spontaneous leap or fall on my ass unceremoniously. Jack came often. Joker called periodically, joking at how we were both fragile now, but his voice was still pained. I got correspondence from both Kasumi who was deep under cover with some STG thing and Vega who was deployed all over the place. Yeah, N7 had lucked out. Tali called almost every day to tell me how much she wanted to be there with me. Her world had their hands full trying to bring the geth back if possible. They also had EDI incase a breakthrough was made. Eventually, it hurt less being me. Almost.

"Enough!" I snarled and fell back into a nearby chair, panting, frustrated and pissed as hell.

Garrus sighed and Liara threw up her hands where she stood behind him. "I need a drink," she muttered before walking out and leaving me with the Turian.

A bottle of water was thrust under my nose and I wrenched it away from him with my good hand. Gulping down the cool liquid, I slumped against the back of the chair and ground my teeth as I contemplated the various ways of just cutting off the offending limbs. They NEVER did what I wanted and my kidney was either overworking itself into oblivion or I was losing bladder control. Death would have been preferable.

"Are you done brooding?" Looking up at the resolution on my friend's face, I threw the empty bottle at him petulantly. He caught it effortlessly before shaking his head. "Talk about defeating yourself."

"Shut up Vakarian! Like you could do better!"

"At the moment," he raised an eyebrow plate and snorted. "I could do Miranda's plie exercise around you and you wouldn't be able to lay finger on me. Hell, I could try pirouettes!"

"Sure, kick me when I'm down."

Something sparked in his eye and before I could blink, he had taken me by my forearms and lifted me right out of the chair. With a muffled shriek that was too girly for my taste, I stared as he drew me up to his face level, my legs limbs hanging uselessly in his grasp as he growled low and predatory in my face. I guess even Garrus has his limits. I couldn't even hate him for it. He took the brunt of my recovery drama.

For more than a few missed heartbeats we just glowered at each other. Eventually, I conceded defeat and frowned. "Or pick me when I'm down. Whatever. Give me a few hundred years, and then we'll see how brave you are."

Something softened in his eyes but he didn't bother putting me back on my feet. "Would it kill you just let it happen at its own pace?"

"Are you serious?" I snorted and squirmed slightly in his grasp. He really was holding me like I weighed nothing which only incensed me more. Two years ago, he would be on the floor and my knee would be at his gullet! "If I go any slower Kaiden will be free to date!"

With a sigh I was slowly set back down on my feet. Gritting my teeth, I ordered my muscles to hold. There was a mild twitch and then my knee buckled. "Son of a…"

But this time I didn't slump into the chair, a strong powerful arm wrapped around my waist and suddenly I was nestled into all the lovely crevices in Garrus' carapace. It didn't escape me how easy it was becoming to let myself lean on him. To let him support me. To let him see me weak. And I gota tell ya, it itches like bitches. Jack would agree. "Hmph."

"Still angry?"

Leaning into him, I couldn't help let the glare and Shepard mask melt away. "I really don't want to bitch about it, but it's getting harder to hold on." I knew he could understand the double edged sword in my words. I felt it in the hitch of his arms around me. Like he wanted to hug away my pain. I couldn't help squeeze him back.

"He calls you every day, sometimes twice a day."

"And I stare at his face wondering what lie to tell him. He watches me with slowly fading hope. It's tragic Garrus and I so don't do tragic."

Garrus harrumphed into my hair before pulling away far enough to look down into my face. "You really should talk to Liara. She's so much better at this emotional crap."

Unable to contain my laughter, I looked up to meet his eyes and grinned. "Thanks Garrus, I needed that."

"Great." Returning my buccaneer grin, he winked before setting me back down on my feet, still supporting some of my weight. "Now how about you try and show me a curtsey."

I lifted my leg to kick him and ended up face planting into his stomach.

With a heaving sigh, he wrapped his hands around my waist and slid me back in between the bars so I could do some strength training. "Leg still contracting when you're telling it to extend?"

"Laugh it up Garrus."

"Let's try punching then."

I looked up startled. "You're going to go straight to sparring? Miranda is going to have a cow." I grinned as I fit my torso into the harness so I could work my upper body. "Can I watch?"

Garrus pulled on the training gloves. "I doubt you'd have the energy for much after I'm done with you."

"Oh, that sounded like a challenge."

Garrus stood before me, his eyes flirting with their usual mirth. "That metaphor went somewhere else, didn't it?"

He made me want to get better.

**To be continued…**


	4. Chapter 4

My apartment.

I stood there with my mouth agape.

There was no way in hell it had survived, but here it was in all its glory, every corner whispering of a memory. Every corner screaming with mirth and happiness and excitement. The calm before a storm. If I squinted I could see us all gathered around the couch posing for a picture. See Jack dancing on the pool table while Vega tried his damnedest not to come in his pants. I could hear Javik arguing with Liara somewhere in the background before it faded into Tali's hooting as Garrus threatened to remove his armor.

My eyes drifted up the stairs and I winced. How the hell was I ever going to sleep in that bed again without thinking of what Kaiden and I did up there?

"Shepard?"

Looking over my shoulder at Liara and Miranda I frowned in my usual rebellious way. "I didn't think the Citadel still functioned, much less hope this place was still standing. How long was I dead this time?"

"Fatalistic to the end." Snickering, Liara hitched my duffle bag higher and wrapped one arm around my waist companionably and also to help me hobble into the apartment. "The Citadel wasn't completely destroyed or we never would have found you. This place took some time to get to, but fortunately it had suffered only minimal damage. We were lucky the Silversun Strip survived."

Miranda activated glyph as he flew around the room before the lights came on and the blinds over the huge windows began to lift.

"Com…mm…mander…Sh…Shep..pppard. Wel…come."

"What's wrong with him?" I poked a finger through Glyph as he flickered on and off before finally settling into a steady hum.

"Rusty, I'm guessing," Miranda dropped her things by the couch and propped her hands on her waist. "Well, do you like it? We couldn't get everything back the way it was, but we tried to come close."

I could feel the heat as it suffused over my face while0 Liara finally helped me down into the couch and I collapsed there in relief. It was monumental how I had managed to walk from the transport to my couch and I was very proud of myself. Almost wished Garrus had been here to see it. "Come on guys, are you trying to put me on my knees so I can be more grateful. Have a heart; I'd never be able to get back up."

Liara laughed and walked into the kitchen to get something to drink as she called back. "Relax Shepard, enjoy the pampering."

Sighing, I leaned back into the couch as Miranda began to set the security system. "I still think it's unnecessary for either of you to babysit me. Don't you two have lives?"

"No!" Both women shot back characteristically and I shook my head.

"Come on Liara, I know for a fact that Faron barely has a handle on all that data coming into Cronos through your network. You cannot stay here."

Handing me a glass of orange juice, the Asari glared at me. "I have conceded under great duress to leave you here under Miranda's care alone for the next four weeks. I will have you know, I do not intend to change my mind. So you can stop trying to keep me away. Even if I am at my new base, all I'll do is keep tabs on you anyway."

"Hire a damned nurse Liara! You guys can't watch me forever!"

"Are you forgetting who I am?"

Rolling my eyes, I turned to the brunette for some help. "Come on Miranda, please tell her."

The ex-Cerberus scientist shrugged as she took the third glass from Liara and slipped into the couch on the other side, one arm flung along the back and legs crossed at the knees casually. "I don't have a life to get back to I'm afraid. I could watch you forever."

If looks could kill, perfect little Miranda would be a pile of dust as I grumbled about pushy, controlling women. I was at least glad the girls had helped me convince Garrus to make a trip home now that the mass relay was up over Trebia System. "This is pointless!" I threw up my hands. "I am sick of you two constantly watching me! It's been three months!"

Neither of them reacted to my barb as Liara turned on the holo-screen to scan the news. "Give it up Shepard. You'll have to put up with us until you are able to stand in the shower without collapsing into a funny little human puddle."

I looked around for something to throw at her but she merely turned her head and winked at me. "I quite enjoy it."

Miranda muffled a giggle and patted my knee. "Come on, lets help you to bed Princess Sarah, so I can get some down time in that amazing Jacuzzi of yours."

"Oooh, mind if I join you Miranda?"

"Not at all."

I stared at the two of them in horror. "Oh my god, this is a slumber party, isn't it?" They merely dragged me towards the bedroom as I struggled. "GARRUSSSSS!"

XXXXX

"Plie! Plie, Shepard; that's a frog."

"Plie, my ass! I'm going to plie you into that wall Lawson." Grunting and straightening from where I had barely managed the half-squat, I hobbled towards Miranda in an effort to strangle her, but the beep from the communication console ceased our joking. Of course, I had been quite serious, but it was funny because I could barely make it across the room.

Miranda was still chuckling when she received the call. "Yes, what is it Liara, she hasn't killed me yet."

"Miranda?"

My head snapped up from where I was bending down to pick up my towel. The woman across the room had gone still. It took her a moment to call forth the caustic smile. "Commander Aleko. What a pleasant surprise."

There was shuffling on the other end before he cleared his throat. "I was sent to…I can't tell you where I was sent to…but communications were disrupted."

"For three weeks?" Miranda demanded, arms crossed.

My eyes widened as I tried to rush to her, which was taking a while, and she watched me like a hawk as I tried to gesture a 'shut up' without speaking. I could understand why she was pissed at him. When he'd planned to rendezvous with our ship to see me three weeks ago she was excited to show off my progress. She waited the whole day for him to tell her he needed docking permissions. She was quite disappointed.

"I have half a mind to hang up on your bloody arse Aleko for the way you made her wait!"

Shit. I face planted into my palm and groaned. Way to take away my thunder. By the time I could shove her away and fall into my desk chair, Kaiden was looking painted. "Hey!" I grinned widely at him. "Don't listen to her; she's just not taking this maternal separation very well. Liara is taking over tomorrow."

"Maternal separation my arse. Bloody capricious, half-wit…" Thankfully Miranda walked out of my study grumbling under her breath and I hoped Kaiden didn't catch any of that.

Still smiling overly brightly and unable to drop the charade for some idiotic reason, I went on. "How was your mission? I assume it was Spector business."

"Yeah," Kaiden's handsome face was withdrawn and tired. He must have called me as soon as he could. I tried to be heartened by that. It wasn't really working. "Sorry, I couldn't really tell you about it."

My forced elation died in a fizzle. Frowning at his need to explain even when I hadn't asked, I slumped into the chair. "I get it. I used to be one, remember?"

"I didn't mean it that way Shepard."

"Sarah," I barked and he jumped, making me feel bad for letting him see how much it affected me.

Cautiously, he tried out my name again. He'd almost stopped using it now. "Sarah. I am sorry. I called you as soon as I found a secure channel." He looked like he was telling the truth. His was in armor and it had seen better days. For a moment a part of me keened at the prospect that while he was out there in the field there was the possibility that I would never get to see his handsome face smiling shyly at me. Even after all this time. Again, it only made me realize just how much of me I had lost. "How've you been?"

"Better," I provided evasively.

He nodded. "Any change in your range yet?"

He was only curious. Hopeful. It shouldn't have prickled at me the way it did. Gritting my teeth, I hoped to offer a non-committal answer, but what came out was jilted girlfriend. "If you had been there when you said you would, you'd have seen it."

A dark shadow seemed to cross his face. "Will you let it go Shepard? You know I have a responsibility."

A muscle worked in my jaw. "Yes and I'm clearly not it."

"Why are you doing this? You know I wanted this to be different."

"Yes, you wanted me without liabilities."

"Dammit Shepard, you're being stubborn!"

"SARAH!" I snapped, my fists tightening onto the arm rests of my chair. "And before you launch into another tirade on how its Spector business and you have to save the galaxy and all that; let me remind you. I already did that!"

He stared at me for a moment before looking away. "I was coming to the Citadel to look in on you, but I don't think that's a good idea at the moment. I don't want us to say something we'd both regret."

A part of me wanted to agree. But I was also the Butcher of Torfan. My finger was in the air and then on the disconnect button before my female brain could stop me. The last thing I saw was a brief moment of shock and then the holo was gone.

"I'd clap, but I don't think you'd appreciate the sentiment."

"You want sentiment?" Looking up at Miranda leaning against the doorway, I heaved myself out of the chair. "There are training gloves in my duffle; I think you need to get them. I'm past the plie if you don't mind."

If she wanted to argue, I was grateful she didn't. She just brought Garrus' gloves and we trained.

**To be continued…**


End file.
